My Fitness Journey- The Dysfunction

Freshman year of collage. Such an exciting year for most people!

Talk about the biggest MIND F*** year of all years for me.

Maybe you can relate...

I went from being surrounded by the same walls, with the same people, in the same group of friends, being told exactly what to do, having an "identity" (or at lest what I thought was an identity ), feeling like a total champ, feeling ready to take on the world... to immediately feeling like a nobody, living and operating in a whole new environment, with all new people, where no one knows who you are or how cool you were. I felt stripped of my identity, and that freaked me the f*** out.

Graduating high school made me feel completely lost.

On top of that, my home life was falling apart. My dad had entered rehab for alcoholism and my mom decided she had had enough. My parents were getting divorced.  It was absolutely what was best for everyone, but I still felt my world crashing down.

So, in order to take control of the chaos in my life, I started dieting.  And because I was in a new school, around new people, and had an opportunity to be whoever I wanted to be, I decided I wanted to be WAY skinny.  Like runway model skinny.  For some reason, I thought being ultra skinny would make all my problems go away!

I put a plan (?) together...

I was going to go to the field house every day and workout, and I was going to restrict my calories to 300 per day. The math added up beautifully! I would be burning SO many more calories than I was taking in that there was no way that I wouldn't be runway skinny within like 6 weeks.

And by golly.... my plan worked!

Well- It worked at first....

You see, I really could only keep that up for like 5 days.  In the first 5 days, I remember losing like 6 lbs or something,. I remember feeling SUPER pumped, but I remember that I was NOT feeling ok. I was dizzy, I was irritable, I had brain fog, and most of all- I was hungry AF.

After 5 days on my extreme diet, my biological instincts hijacked my plan.  I remember opening the fridge and shoveling anything I could grab into my mouth. That was literally the most satisfying meal I can remember eating ever in my whole life. I laid on the floor of my dorm feeling SO FULL, but so GOOD!......until the guilt set in....

What had I just done??!

All my hard work from the week just got tossed out the window!

But then I had a thought- maybe if I threw all up real quick, it wouldn't get converted into fat! Maybe if I threw it up real quick, it would be like it didn't even count!

So I did just that.  I threw up everything I could, and in my head, the crisis was averted.

And that is pretty much how things went for my entire freshman year. I would diet as hard as I could, and then when I couldn't take it any longer, I would binge out and throw it all up.

Sounds awesome right??! Sounds like a solid plan! Sounds like a way to have your cake and eat it too!!

Well- Im not sure if you have heard of metabolic distress, but my "diet plan" pretty much jacked up every hormone in my body and I became a fat storing machine.

I wish I could say that my freshman 25 (yes 25) came from partying hard with all my friends, but it didn't. It came from extreme dieting and frequent binging and purging.

Oh- and its fair to mention, that NONE of my problems were resolved form all of that- just in case you were wondering!

At the end of my freshman year, I decided enough was enough. I finally realized my plan was not working and what I was doing to myself was not healthy.

I decided to move back to my home town and get my shiz together.  I switched schools, got a new roommate, and I got a Personal Trainer!

My personal trainer pulled me out of the darkness!